out of left field: caught with his pants down

This week's edition of left field comes at us again with a similar topic -- people getting get caught with drugs in awkward situations. That leads me to believe that there is a strong possibility that getting caught with drugs generally comes at awkward moments, likely due to the offenders trying to hide them.

But I digress. This week's left field offender comes at us from Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Quite frankly, I'm impressed the someone can write Sheboygan in the date line (that little phrase at the start of the story that tells where it is set) and not truly laugh about it. Can anyone take these Sheboygan folks seriously? I thought "sheboygans!" was some kind of term used by the people who find it inappropriate to ever cuss. Apparently, I'm wrong, because someone named a town after it.

Anyways, our offender had a little mishap today and managed to get his car stuck in a ditch. When the police arrived, our fellow, only known as a 22-year-old Sheboygan man, had his jeans unzipped. One police officer -- with obvious wandering eyes -- noticed this and questioned the man on whether he had anything illegal on him. Maybe it went something like "Sir, what's the bulge in your underwear?". Who knows? That just had to be awkward. As it turned out, the Sheboygan man had a small amount of marijuana and a pipe on him, causing police to make the bust.

This situation was obviously a little weird for all parties involved, I'd assumed. Not only would the officer have to head home and tell the "so guess where I found mary-jane TODAY!" over the dinner table, but the arrestee certainly will have some interesting explaining to do to that judge.

Moral of the story? Keep the "barn door" closed. Especially if you've got illicit activities going on down there.

out of left field: class coke.

Welcome to the newest and snazziest part of rough clarity. No, it's not a baseball feature. It doesn't have anything to do with a weekly writeup from my liberal point of view. And it certainly has nothing to do with my left hand. However, any of these things may become a part of left field at any time.

Left field is going to be a weekly shout-out to stupid, funny, crazy or ignorant. It's gonna be stories I hope you haven't heard that are going to make you say "haha!" or "no way!" or something similar. I hope you enjoy.

Today's illustrious human being comes to us from the 11th state to enter the union, New York. Nah, it's not some crazy protestor in Manhattan or a tourist at Niagara Falls. This person comes from the beautiful (or not so, I've never been there) Lewiston, New York, a city near Niagara Falls.
Joan Donatelli is a 59-year-old former first grade teacher that now apparently substitutes for fourth grade classes. And apparently, the woman has some ingenuity.
Last week as First Coast News reports, Donatelli was told on by a pair of girls in one of the classes. Apparently, Mrs. Donatelli had some white powder on her nose and the girls were worried. Who wouldn't be? Teacher could have anthrax!
Anyways, someone finally determinded this white powder was found to be cocaine. Straight Columbian blow. Mrs. Donatelli was gettin' high!
The police later reached Donatelli at home where she admitted to using the cocaine -- in front of the class. She gave up a small bag of blow and two pen caps. Yes, two pen caps.
Keep reading, this is where you'll laugh.
Apparently, Donatelli was taking the cocaine, laying it on the desk next to the apple and pencil sharpener, and then dipping the pen caps into the powder, and finally inhaling via shoving the pen cap up her nose.
Can't you imagine that situation?
"Hey class, we're having reading time, and I'm telling the whole story without a book! It's got President Bush, the Easter bunny, some cocoa puffs and rainbow world of pandas!"
According the Donatelli, "she had a problem, that she has an addiction, something she's been struggling with." Hmmm, getting high while teaching fourth graders, it's gotta happen more than you'd think.
The principal of this school later informed us that Mrs. Donatelli used to teach a very intensive drug-prevention program at the school for her first graders. Which leaves one question.
Was she the example?